11 January 2013

Do You Have Friends?

In high school, I had friends. And then I moved away and went to college.

In college, I had friends. I married one of my college friends, so he ain't going nowhere, but upon graduation, everyone else moved away, and I stayed.

So now I'm a college graduate, and friends are hard to find.

See? Friends! And 19 year old, long-haired, pre-wedding me!

I don't think this applies to everyone, but I've gotten the general impression that many of us bloggers are in some life circumstance or another which means that we don't have many friends near us or available to hang out with us on any given day. I don't know if that is somehow connected to the fact that we blog or not.

Maybe we get old and we get picky. Or maybe kindred spirits really are harder to find when we get older. Maybe I'm still rebelling about the fact that I have to live where I do for now, and I'm consciously refusing to put down roots. I really, really hoped that in going to cosmetology school I would find good friends--but seeing as I have no interest in going to parties where illegal activities take place, my classmates and I share no interests outside of school.

I know what friendship looks like. I know what it is to cry from the time you board an airplane until the time you get off the airplane because you miss the people you're leaving so very much. I know what it's like to decide that no amount of sleep is worth the fun you are having in the middle of the night with friends, and therefore, to stay up all night with them. I know what it's like to love people in the best of times and the worst of times--to be separated for a year and to go right back to where you left off as soon as you're together again. I remember what it's like to hop on a bus and go shopping all day long...and then come up with another activity for the evening because you aren't tired of being with your friends yet.

It's easy to get a little hopeless about the situation sometimes. It's true that I don't have the magical friend-making ability that some extroverts just seem to have. At this point, I just want to meet an extrovert who decides that they love me and want to be my friend.

There's no real point to this post. I hate it when what I write doesn't have a punchline. I love punchlines. But I guess what I wanted to say is...if it seems like all your friends are either related to you and/or they live so far away that internet is the only way to keep in touch with them--you're not alone.

What's your theory as to why friends might be harder to find as adults?


  1. So, I never really had friends until after college. I lived at home durning college and was very very shy. Now I have four really close friends, two who live far away and two who are close (I'm married to one also lol)

    However, I do see that it is harder to have "acquaintance " type friends, as in a friend you hang out with a few times, but never get to know on a deeper level. Term them "facebook friends only", you might say.

    I've had tones of those friends in high-school and college, but now that I don't study in the library, eat at the same dining place with so-and-so and her friends, or have a function that I am required to attend, I don't find myself meeting other people who have and hour or so to kill and need company. I've found people go where they have to go, get done what they have to get done, and aren't on the look out for a distraction. And people are much more opinionated now *myself included* I think we only see our priorities and everything else gets pushed to the side.

    I would love to be your friend :P In a non-creepy, you are really interesting, type of way. Kangaroo.

  2. My husband and I got married very young, and we didn't have any friends anymore either! They were away at college..or just different stages of life than us. We started going to a newer church and found a TON of young married couples. It was one of the biggest blessings ever!!

  3. In high school, I had friends. A lot. But I wouldn't call them good friends. Hell, looking back now, they were more acquaintances, as Carolynn said. But now I have my blogger friends, which are pretty awesome, and I have one best friend that I can sit and bullshit with any time of day on any subject. And I have my boyfriend, who started of as and will always be my best friend. And I am perfectly happy with that. I would rather have 2 close friends than 100 eh ones.

  4. Friends are SO hard to find as adults! I think there are several reasons. First of all, as adults we already have our lives set up. We are set. We already have friends (except you and I, apparently) and don't need any changes. Also, as adults many of us have our career and we stay there. If there aren't really any people at your place of employment with whom you can be BFFs, where would you find friends? Many of us have husbands to go home to and we just aren't in social places and just don't have time like we used to. Lastly, I think the expectations for friendships are different as adults. I don't exactly know what they are, but I just notice that it doesn't work exactly the same way. Everyone has all these responsibilities and priorities and matured personalities. It's just different. But anyway, I feel the same way on this topic as you! :)

  5. Yay I'm not alone. All of my friends are my family, sister in laws and their friends, cousins, or live far away. :)

  6. All I can say is, I agree/identify with this post so very, very much. I think for me, it's a combination. I don't want to put down roots, I'm old and picky, kindred spirits are VERY hard to find when you're kind of an a-typical girl, and good/mature friends are extremely hard to come by in this town.

    So...yep. To all of it.

  7. Can very much relate. It gets harder the farther away from college you get and if you don't have kids to bond with other parents over. People are busy and where are we going to meet others if not in school or church?

  8. I felt the same way after college. It was only after Claudio and I started going to a different church that we found friends and even then I would say they only became close friends after we started having kids. I think it can be harder when you get married younger, especially if you don't have friends who are married too. This being said, I just want to encourage you that it is possible to make good friends again. Don't give up!

  9. Rachel! You need to read a book called "MWF Seeks BFF". They had it at my library. The whole book is about this topic of finding friends when you're a married twenty-something. That book gave me a lot of ideas and inspiration for being more intentional in making friends. Definitely a good read!

  10. I think part of it has to do with putting down roots--or not wanting to. When Chris found out he got the job and we'd be moving across the country, I stopped trying to make new friends. My college pals were in other states, my best friend was in another city, and putting down roots here suddenly seemed pointless when we'd all be starting over. We were trying, making progress, meeting up with people from church and going to events, but there wasn't a grand connection--you know, when you meet someone, things just click and you become "bosom friends?"

    Plus things are just easier in college when it comes to meeting people--you're surrounded by people your own age, and all it takes is a class, a study group, or even a t-shirt to make a new friend (seriously, one of my closest friends in college was a guy who noticed I was the only girl who wore converse like his . . . weird things like that). Once you're out in the "real world," everyone has jobs that take up time, your money goes towards bills instead of midnight runs to Taco Bell and movies, and finding people with common interests in a little harder. You're all just so grown up and BUSY.
    Since being married, I've met ONE person with the same interests, and she moved to teach overseas (which is AWESOME). Personally, I know my own biggest issue is convincing myself that people really do like me, that it's not a pity outreach or something. I think the easier you believe you're worth befriending, the more likely you are to make friends and keep them :}

    I think it comes down to just taking risks. Sometimes, the people you least expect do become friends. Sometimes, it's worth putting down roots even if they're damaged by time and space later on.
    Best of luck! Thanks for being open--I think lots of us twenty-somethings wonder if we're alone in this "My gosh, where have all my friends gone?" phase. You'll make pals soon because you're fabulous! :}

  11. Ok, that was the longest comment in the history of comments. I apologize.

  12. I think finding friends as an adult is hard. I have a few, but it seems like they are all in a different stage of life which is hard. It makes me sad sometimes, but I don't really know what else to do.

  13. Just part of adult life. Friends are fewer for sure. And then they have babies and get married and it gets even harder. I have been dealing with a lack of friends (well, them being present) lately and it has really saddened me.

  14. I could have written this!
    I have no friends living near me.

    I think adults are much more individual than kids. Kids, as a whole, have more in common with each other and can just "play" together. Adults are different.

  15. I'm the same way with friends! I constantly tell my husband I need someone to decide they want to be my friend and start inviting me places.

    I think for me it's the stage of life. Getting married so young means that most people my age are still in the dating around, partying stage of life. No offense to them, but I don't really want to go out and drink after work, I'd much rather be home with my husband. So where am I supposed to find other married twenty somethings that want to be my friend?

  16. Oh girl. I could've written this. I've struggled so much with friendships since I graduated. Even in college I struggled some. I'm finally in a place where I want to put down roots, but finding girls I click with has been so difficult. At the same time, I'm also a super shy person, and I know that makes it even worse. All this to say, I understand completely. Thank goodness for blog friends!

  17. This post is exactly how I feel. I'm not extroverted and don't go out to parties either. It got harder in the later college years to make new friends, too because many of the younger people that I was around were into partying and all that. Not my thing.

    But I completely agree with this post. I think what you said is a mixture of reasons why it's harder to find friends as adults. This is why blogging is SO great.

  18. Ugh. I so wish I couldn't relate to this post. But I totally can. And have written about it extensively. Haven't figured out the answer. But know that YOU'RE not alone!

  19. I have friends now because of couples we've met through our church. I love them, but I don't consider them as loyal or honest as my college friends. I've had a hard time finding a very best friend, besides my husband!