The Random Writings of Rachel: When Marriage Isn't What You Expected

When Marriage Isn't What You Expected

I knew all about the "wives, submit to your husbands" verse before I got married, and as a rather old-fashioned gal, I was 100% ready to  "love, honor, and obey" as the vows say...but as it turned out, that didn't turn out to mean quite what I thought it might mean when I was single. Some of what submitting looks like in real life has surprised me!


Since being married to Angel, I've found that, for me, submitting to my husband looks like:

-Swing dancing with other guys who are better dancers than Angel. He wants me to dance with them for two reasons: 1) So that he can run to the ice cream shop and get himself a chocolate ice cream cone and have a break from dancing and 2) So that I can learn new moves which I can teach him later on.

- Listening to his request that I NOT make him a wonderful, healthy, cooked-from-scratch dinner every single night when he comes home from work. Although he enjoys my cooking, he says that sometimes he'd just love it if I called him and said, "Honey, I didn't cook today so can you bring home a pizza?" So strange.

- Not doing the laundry so frequently. I'm hard-wired to do laundry before it piles up, but for whatever reason he prefers that I only do laundry after a lot has piled up AND he doesn't allow me to wash his uniforms, he washes those himself because of how dirty they are.

- Staying away from him at night. He builds a wall of pillows down the middle of our bed, calls it the "border" and tells me I'm not allowed to cross it because he doesn't want me to touch him while he's sleeping.

- Dressing differently. I come from a modest culture, but Angel's made it clear from the beginning that he detests my floor-length skirts and baggy tunics that I've had for many years, and has requested that I dress differently. In fact he's said that the way I dressed when we first met made him instinctively not want to be my friend (apparently the clothes weren't that big of a deterrent in the end, though). He has asked that I wear shorts and shorter skirts than I ever have in the past, so I do when we're together and the weather is hot. He's generally 100% opposed to all clothes that I consider modest but we find a happy medium in my usual look of knee-length dresses and or skinny jeans and tops. That's an interesting problem for a wife to deal with--a husband who takes a great interest in what I wear and also is vehemently opposed to conservative clothing.

-(And Angel just yelled out to me, "Don't forget to say that I'm totally okay with your clients kissing you on the cheek as long as they give you a $10 tip." That happened once after I shaved off a guy's beard for the first time in 25 years and he was very emotional about it and hugged me and kissed me. I thought it was impossibly awkward but Angel found it both hilarious and profitable.)

I don't know what I was expecting when I got married, but I'm pretty sure this wasn't it. I have certainly learned that being a submissive wife doesn't mean simply doing whatever I happen to think that 'good wives' do, but rather taking into account what my husband would like his own wife to do.

Did any of your spouse's quirks surprise you when you got married?

55 comments:

  1. I would jump on that bandwagon and run with it about not making dinner and bringing home pizza! Win/win! How funny. This is completely true. Submitting is different in SO many ways and it's unique to each couple. Y'all seem to have it figured out :)

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  2. Fun post! The pillow border thing is too funny. I've had Jordan tell me that too. He gets hot during the night and doesn't want me to touch him. haha.

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  3. Those are great examples. The pillow fort made me chuckle. Guys need their space somehow ;) sounds like you could get a way with murder as long as it was profitable.

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  4. Goodness, yes! I never thought someone could be as simultaneously messy and organized as Scott is. I find dirty dishes everywhere. Yet, he loses his mind if I move his stuff. Marriage is not for the weak :)

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  5. What a fun post!! Definitely not what I was expecting along the submission topic, but it's so interesting to read the things that Angel wants you to do! Especially the laundry, but it's sweet of him to wash his uniform since it gets so dirty!

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  6. My husband and Angel are definitely on the same page when it comes to food! HAHAHAHAHA!

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  7. oh man this made me laugh so much. The biggest thing my husband wants me to do is make time for him. And probably not nag him about eating fast food. :P

    Angel sounds like such an interesting character!

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  8. These are so funny! Though the bedtime thing would make me sad.

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  9. haha, this post was so fun to read through! Especially that beard one. It's awesome that you guys can communicate about these things at least... that's so important! Bringing home a pizza just has to be done sometimes, I guess. ;)

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  10. Ha, I can only IMAGINE the first night you spent together when he started building a wall of pillows in your bed. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall!

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  11. my husband learned that i'm not a typical 'wife'. in fact, i'm surprised he hasn't divorced me yet! i don't pack his lunch (he's not my child!), i don't fold his laundry (he has two hands), i don't iron his shirts (i ain't his mama!). seriously, why is he still with me? LOL

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  12. Haha, I had the opposite reaction to that verse! I was like, "hell no he won't tell me what to do!!!!" Fortunately, Jared has NEVER tried to change who I am. I realized this verse is more about being a servant to the person you are married to.

    Jared tends to leave a trail all over our house, which infuriated me at first. Granola bar wrappers. Open cabinets in the kitchen. It's just something he doesn't think about at all. I decided rather than nagging him all the time, I would accept this is one of his quirks and go with it. Our household has been happier since.

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  13. i totally understand the pillow barrier. we have a california king bed, and it still drives me batty to be touched at night. growing up i always wondered how i could ever get married because i couldn't imagine sharing a bed.

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  14. LOL! That pillow thing is hilarious and so so TRUE! I would love to have a pillow barrier if our bed were only big enough. It might also help to drown out my husband's bear snores. I swear it is so loud sometimes it makes the bed vibrate. I desperately want a king size bed but since my husband is so often away it is hard to spend the money on it.

    We are both very strong headed. Robert and I both learned a long time ago it is best not to try to tell the other one what to do. There is no way I'm going to "obey" him. Although he has repeated that to me a million times in our marriage, "Be a good wife and learn to obey." I will not repeat what comes out of my mouth in reply. This is a family friendly blog after all : )

    bisous
    Suzanne

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  15. I totally agree! Each relationship is different and you really have to learn as you go!

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  16. This is great :) You guys make a wonderful team!

    I'm sooo guilty of overcrowding Jim when we're sleeping. I'm perpetually cold and he is always hot. I can't help but snuggle up against my own personal heater.

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  17. I hear you on the bed thing, although it's the other way around for us! My hubby loves to take over the entire bed and I often end up perched precariously on the very edge of my side of the mattress because I wind up so stinkin' hot if he's touching me lol. I think I knew about (or expected) most of my hubby's quirks when we got married, but I naively (maybe even subconsciously) assumed he'd 'grow up' once he was married and start picking up after himself, etc. (luckily he doesn't expect me to pick up after him [although I do because I'm a neat freak]; he's perfectly content to live in a cluttered, messy house). I've learned to accept most of the quirks, but the one I struggle with still is his video game playing! I guess to me it's a waste of time and seems childish, but for him it's relaxing so I'm trying to change my mindset on this...

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  18. I think I'm like Angel when it comes to food. Gavin always wants a nice big meal each day. I think it's what his parents always did. While Gavin doesn't do a border of pillows he doesn't like to be touched while sleeping because of temperature issues lol I can't complain too much tho because I am OCD about what items go on the top and bottom of the dishwasher. I like my clothes separated into three very distinct piles for washing and everything in our house has an exact spot which he messes up constantly and I have consider putting up signs lol we all have our own ways. I believe in both people being submissive tho. With finding what we both need done there are less arguments.

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  19. Ugh I hate when Iz touches me when we're in bed. Seriously he is SO warm and I end up sweating to death! And it's nice to have a pizza day every now and again, just to have a night to not have to cook.

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  20. Pretty much all of my husband's quirks were a surprise when we got married. They still surprise me. I thought that when I got married, I wouldn't have to worry about wearing short dresses and slutty Halloween costumes. I was half right. He likes it because he likes how I look, but he doesn't like that other males might like how I look. He doesn't know what he wants. Haha! I choose for him and wear whatever makes me feel comfortable.

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  21. Ha, my husband probably wishes I could cook better. It's just not my thing.

    And it's not a quirk of my husband, but he snores. I did not realize he snored.

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  22. Haha, the pillow thing would upset me, I like cuddles in bed!!

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

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  23. Pete and I aren't married but you definitely learn a lot about someone when you move in together, that's for sure! haha

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  24. Hahah the one about the border of pillows in bed made me laugh! We moved in after we got engaged and have definitely learned some things about one another!
    www.amemoryofus.blogspot.com

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  25. I can't imagine not being able to reach out and touch Joel in the night! We usually fall asleep holding hands but inevitably, I will cuddle up to him for warmth when I get cold.

    The only three things he has ever asked of me are: feed healthy food I our family (our food theologies are vastly different), send birthday/anniversary/various correspondence out to family if I can remember and I can't even remember the third one! Ha.

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  26. HAHA this is too cute! Partly because setting up a fort with the pillows sounds like something I so would totally do. Whoever I get married to is in for some funny surprises :P

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  27. I think the way Angel wants you to be submissive is really sweet. It's not the usual traditional submissive and when you do as what he likes it is really sweet too. I lol at the emotional client and I can see why Angel doesn't mind at all. My hubby is always getting warmth from me coz we sleep with the ac on. No fort around at all. He keeps stealing my heat.

    Jo
    Jo's Jumbled Jardinière
    Jo's 2nd blog giveaway

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  28. I love this! You and your husband have such a fun, happy and honest dynamic. My husband loves to cuddle at night. I'm not a cuddler, but I submit to an hour of cuddling at night and early morning ;)

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  29. Very cute :) I live with my partner and we set expectations prior to moving in, especially since I have a child from a previous relationship. He's awesome - I'm a very lucky lady and he is one lucky man. I don't know how he tolerates my mood shifts though - I'm definitely high strung a lot of times, lol. :) I think they like that though. Happy Hump Day Rachel! -Iva

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  30. Heehee- this is a funny little list. I would love to call Rob and say , Bring home pizza! It sounds like Angel is pretty easy going.. with little requests! (It's silly, but there's an ad for getting a quick and easy divorce at the bottom of this post. I just thought it was funny.)

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  31. I love this funny little list :) It's a great spin on what submitting can mean as a wife/partner. And any situation that calls for pizza? That's an awesome day.

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  32. This is so funny! My husband hates it when I open doors for myself. I never get to mow the lawn. And I have to 'submit' to him by making pizza or pizza flavored items about once every other week at least. :)

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  33. surprisingly, or maybe not surprisingly, a lot of our quirks surfaced not after we got married, but after we had kids... i think having kids really changes the relationship dynamics and you really see the other person for they are. in good and bad ways. :-)

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  34. this was so fun to read- i definitely laughed out loud about the pillow wall he makes. you have a hilarious husband :) and he sounds very thoughtful!

    xo marlen
    Messages on a Napkin

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  35. The whole pillow thing just cracks me up! I'm definitely not a submissive wife. Shame on me :)

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  36. Haha... I was just nodding along to every point. Daniel would prefer frozen pizza over my healthy, home cooked meals probably every night. He refuses to touch me when he sleeps and actually prefers it when I'm not in the same bed so he can sleep diagonal and his feet don't hang off, and his favorite outfits are the ones that make me feel immodest. Go figure.

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  37. what a fun post - jon calls sometimes and asks me if we can have frozen pizza because 'he misses it from the days before the wedding' - always makes me laugh and i saw yes and now we grate up extra cheese to put on top :)

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  38. Love this list; just too cute! Especially loved how your hubby asks for a pillow border, and that he takes an interest in how you dress! ( and I think it is also super sweet that you meet him half way) XOXO, Elif
    http://theboxqueen.com

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  39. I love this list! It surprised me, but in a good way. My husband likes me less modest than I like too. But the pillows...he wouldn't have it! I usually have to tell him to get to his side of the bed so I can sleep! Ha!

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  40. This is a very unexpected list for sure! Pete and I have known each other for years and years before we got married so so far there's been no surprises :)

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  41. Ok... I just died laughing while reading your post! Your comment on my blog made my day today... I felt like wow, Rachel is another me :)

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  42. Haha, that last one made me laugh! What a great list of things to write!

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  43. This post it too funny! I love all his little quirks. haha. And you are so right, submitting doesn't mean doing everything he says without question or doing what wives are supposed to do. Marriage is about serving your spouse in whatever way you can and that means listening to his specific needs and requests before conforming to the roles we see in society.

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  44. I love all of these! The laundry makes me giggle..I dream of the day to always keep my family's laundry caught up.

    Kaitlyn

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  45. As always, great post! it made me laugh and smile, you guys are too cute. I love that Angel encourages you to order take out! It reminds me of my boyfriend. We live together and he's obsessed with pizza, so he's never one to shy away from a pizza delivery offer versus a home cooked meal!

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  46. These are too funny! My husband emphatically let me know that he hates it when I don't shut the top lid to the toilet after using it. His philosophy is that if he has to lift up the seat to go, I should have to do something too :) On another note - I totally randomly found your blog (and now have spent the whole night reading and loving it!) and kept thinking your husband looked familiar. Then I saw all your beloved Calvin shirts - I graduated in May 2010!

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  47. My husband is the same way about not wanting to be touched at night! We upgraded to a king sized bed so that he could have more space.

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  48. Mine is the same way on the clothes. As always another great post from you!!

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  49. I bristle at the word "submission" because I hate the idea of someone calling the shots in a relationship and that just being the natural order of things. So I was surprised to read that for you, "submission" is what we all do in relationships, adapt to your partner's preferences and let them change you a bit, hopefully for the better.

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  50. What an inspiring post. I have been learning about this a lot lately and really loved hearing some real life examples of how submitting to your husband really looks.

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  51. When I got married at age 35 I thought I knew what my life would be like. My husband had this great sense of humor and we had a lot of fun in the five years of dating. Spending time with him was a reprieve from studying and work. I thought marriage would be the same - my life would be more care-free. It didn't turn out that way - I brought all my anxieties and worries with me. This year after 15-years of marriage my husband thinks I don't even laugh at his jokes anymore. I'm trying to lighten up a bit. I think that is what it is all about - compromise maybe is a better word than submission. Enjoy your pizza nights.

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  52. Marriage is definitely a give and take on both sides. The hubs and i were together for over 6 years before we tied the knot so I knew exactly what I was getting as did he!!

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  53. Oh my gosh! This is such a fun post. :D I laughed quite a bit while reading about how your wardrobe was a "deterrent" for Angel to even be your friend!

    I am loving your blog. Thank you for sharing your life with the world!

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  54. my husband likes to cook every night and sometimes i just want him to not cook so that i can have a bag of chips!

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  55. rereading this article today and dying of laughter about the pillow wall :P

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