SOCIAL MEDIA

31 August 2016

Marriage Non-Advice: Things You Shouldn't Do to Your Spouse

If you seek a happy marriage, I recommend avoiding these activities. Nonetheless, the specificity of this list might indicate that I have real-life experience with some of these, and you'll also note that I am currently married. That indication would be correct. Still, these activities should probably be avoided when possible, just 'cause, you know, we're supposed to be nice and thoughtful and kind to our most special person instead of 1) Nefarious, 2) Thoughtless, or 3) Selfish. As tempting as the latter three might sometimes seem to the most human among us.


-Forget that he/she is coming home late, engage the deadbolt on the door, and fall into such a deep sleep that it takes about 15 minutes of ringing the doorbell and calling the house phone before you wake up and let them in.

-Throw away their toothbrush because it's old, but without checking to make sure that there's a new toothbrush available to replace the old toothbrush, thus leaving them with no toothbrush before they go to bed.

-Give your spouse expert career advice on a complicated issue they're facing at work when you have no experience in their field of work, frustrating them with your 'perfect solution' when all they wanted was a friendly listening ear.

-Use up the last of the toilet paper and 'forget' to put a new roll in the bathroom.

-Force your spouse to participate in a couple's costume with you.

-Buy him/her something for a birthday or anniversary that you wanted and they didn't want.

-Take your spouse on a date and accidentally lock your keys inside the car so that you guys can't get home.

-Lose a point while playing "The Newlyweds Game" at a party by insisting you got married on December 5th when you actually got married on December 4th.

-Utilize your position as family cook to always cook your own favorite foods (i.e. POTATOES! FRIED CHICKEN!) and never cook their favorite foods (particularly anything involving fish, ground beef, kimchi, or pasta, because you don't like those ingredients)

-Wrap up stuff they already own in wrapping paper and give it to them for their birthday. She will probably never forgive or forget.

-'Accidentally' spend $150 on a bear costume on eBay. 

-Leave the trashcan overflowing in the kitchen as you head out to work and just hope that they'll do something about it before you arrive home.

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I've read before that marriage is a sanctifying experience, a process which is meant to refine our characters, to grow us into better people. I believe it. Have you ever done something that you've later learned is the sort of thing you should probably NOT do, in the interests of a peaceful, joy-filled marriage?
Lecy Croson said...

This is so funny but great advice. I have fallen asleep with the door locked MANY times and have always paid for it. :D

Suzanne Carillo said...

Ha ha! These are good.

That toilet paper one is a bit of a deal breaker for me.

bisous
Suzanne

Chelsea Eubank said...

These are great. A unique perspective! :)

AnneMarie said...

No joke, one of my great fears is that I'll lock the deadbolt and fall asleep! Every day, I remind myself to go unbolt the door if I'm going to take a nap in the afternoon, just so that Jacob won't get locked out. Thankfully, it hasn't happened yet!

Anna Nuttall said...

You know as I'm reading this I'm listening to Shakira ' Mon amour' - lol very funny coincidence. With the toilet paper - yup guilty about that one *blush*. xx



www.annanuttall.com

Jessica Steffan said...

This is hilarious! My fiancé used to smoke, and one time he went outside in the middle of a Northen PA winter to smoke, and at the time we lived in a condo and he didn't grab the key. My phone was on silent and I was watching Netflix and missed his 10 calls to unlock the door, and thought he was just being silly when he started chucking snowballs at our second floor windows. Oops. I did remember to let him in.....30 or so minutes later.

Krystal // The Krystal Diaries said...

This is too funny. I forget about the toilet paper all the time and every year I force my husband into a couples costume! I

Josh Dyer said...

Too funny!

Angi said...

Hahah... *I* am the one that gives unsolicited advice about work-related problems instead of just listening! I think I've gotten better, though...maybe Isaiah would disagree, who knows.

I have been concerned that I would be the one locked out of the house before, though...especially when he works night shifts and is still asleep when I get home from work. That is why we keep a spare deadbolt AND regular key hidden outside! I also made it VERY clear when we were dating that I DO NOT wear costumes.

Grady said...

HAHAHA Hilarious! I am 100%, unabashedly guilty of "-Force your spouse to participate in a couple's costume with you." HAHAHA This list killed me :-P

Michelle said...

Are you saying that Angel wrapped up some of your personal belongings for your birthday? Because that is HILARIOUS. And slightly evil.

Rach @ This Italian Family said...

Hahahaha! Oh my goodness, every one of these was hilarious!

Lily Fang said...

Rachel, I died reading this post. These occurrences are too funny--I especially like the bear costume one. I hope it went to good use!

If I were to get married, I would definitely want my marriage to be just as quirky, fun, and a healthy dose of irreverent. Your stories about you and Angel always make my day!

imperfect idealist

The Lady Okie said...

-Throw away their toothbrush because it's old <--- THIS IS US. I totally did that once and Jordan was not happy. The best part was that it wasn't old at all! He had replaced it with a new one like the day before, and I didn't know and threw away the brand-new toothbrush! haha. This post was funny :)

Beka @ Sunshine to the Square Inch said...

This cracks me up and I'll never forget that story of Angel wrapping up your things and gifting them to you. I would have fire coming out of my soul but that is because my birthday is a holiday to me.

If I would have thrown away Dave's toothbrush, a.) he would have multiple backups from the hotels he has collected them from b.) He would have just used mine!

Mia @ The Chronicles of Chaos said...

Oh my goodness, this is hilarious!! The overflowing trash, ugh, such a pet peeve of mine!

Also, I really love the word "nefarious" - such an excellent word! :)

Christie Brown said...

I need to show this to my partner; he's guilty of almost everything on this damn list ahaha. Such a fun post, but it's actually all good advice. :)

Christie's Take on Life. xx

Anonymous said...

OMG I adore you so much. This is JUST what I needed for the week. My favorite is "accidentally" spend $150 on a bear costume on eBay. LMAO!

Kristin said...

I'm pretty sure Scott and I have done some of these things to each other. I've locked the door and gone to bed, when I thought he was staying at work all night. I cook more of everything now, but it was not that way when we were first married. I had a limited repertoire of recipes.
I won't out Scott and say which he has done ha ha.

Erica Ligenza said...

HHAHAHAHAHA oh rats, looks like I've got a bear costume to return...

Coming Up Roses

Pamela {Sequins and Sea Breezes} said...

LOLLLLL "accidentally spend $150 on a bear costume on Ebay"!!! Hilarious!<3, Pamela Sequins & Sea Breezes

Unknown said...

These are pretty funny! You should always put yourself in someone else's shoes and think of what it would feel like if someone treated you the way you treat them.

Fatima
Publisher | Motherhood Through My Eyes
http://motherhoodthroughmyeyes.com

Simply Alexandra // My Favorite Things said...

hehe funny post! :) It's definitely true that the little things are good to be aware of too, because they can definitely build up over time. Some of these things are totally easy to have happen by accident for sure though. hehe XO - Alexandra

Simply Alexandra: My Favorite Things

Alyssa Zapinski said...

Man that bear costume thing sounds like quite a great story. Great list!! <3

Alisha said...

I love this! This is too funny, especially because I can see my husband and I do pretty much all of them. Not to mention, we actually did lock our keys in his car when we were dating. It was too funny! Definitely a story we talk about a lot.

Chasa Fulkerson said...

Oh this was great! I got a good chuckle out of accidently spend $150 on a bear costume!

Robin said...

Earlier in our marriage, I might have begged my husband to do things with me when he did not feel like it, i.e. the couple's costume contest. Now I prefer doing something alone instead of nagging him. If he chooses to join me anyway, I will have more fun, knowing that he WANTS to be there.
We also got married in December! His mother basically accused us of trying to get double presents; wedding + Christmas. Ugh.

Michael J. Fite said...

Being married for 13 years, I can say that I have been guilty of a few of these things. I will say what saves me is that I find ways to make it up. A good marriage will come with doing some things that will make your spouse go crazy, but you learn how to admit fault, make up, and do better. I appreciate this post a lot!

Carolann Chambers said...

Hahaha! This post is great. And so real. Since I am the family cook, I tend to cook what I like. I can't stand the smell of ground beef so we're sure not having that for dinner, but once in a while I will make it for him to take to work. I don't like onions either, so those are never going in our meals, but I might put some on the side for him if I remember. Compromise!

Dixya said...

i can relate to few of this points there..this is a great reminder..oh god.

Laura Darling said...

These are great. And true! I've locked the deadbolt more than once before Matt comes home! Oops!

Laura Darling said...

These are great. And true! I've locked the deadbolt more than once before Matt comes home! Oops!

Brita Long said...

These are hilarious! I might have forgotten my wedding anniversary when I scheduled a blog post celebrating 6 months of marriage... Yeah, it was published 6 months and 1 day after our wedding.