(This post was written months ago, BTW)
Here's a list of both the ridiculous and the not-so-ridiculous realities:
- Take prenatal vitamins every single day. Until you realize how expensive those are and how much you hate swallowing pills, and so you reduce taking them to every other day. And then you start forgetting, since it's no longer a daily habit, and then you don't take one for a whole week at a time, feel guilty, and then you try to restart good habits.
- Months in advance, purposefully choose to NOT book a trip to a remote Thai island for your 5th anniversary getaway, even though it sounds like quite an adventure, because it would require roughing it, plus speedboats are bumpy and not recommended for pregnant women, and you'll most likely be pregnant by then and not feel like roughing it anyways.
- Then, months later, switch and try the opposite method: purposefully DO book a trip to an amusement park where you know you won't be able to ride several of the rides if you are pregnant. The strategy is espousing Murphy's Law: the idea that but of course you will be pregnant by the time you go on said trip since the timing is inconvenient. This is a bizarrely backwards plan to attempt to get a baby by planning a trip that would be more fun if you weren't pregnant, hoping that the very fact that the trip exists will cause you to get pregnant.
- Refuse to buy any new clothes for months, because you don't want to fall in love with and get attached to clothes that you'll soon never be able to wear again, because you've been told your whole life that you'll never again be slim after you have a baby (Literally--more than once, the very first thing a stranger has said upon seeing me is, "Enjoy that figure now because you'll never get it back after you have kids!"...because that's a normal way to greet someone you've never met). After many months go by, decide that this is a rather unsustainable way to live and resume buying clothes...however the clothes that you do buy are suspiciously baggier and less form-fitting than your previous fashion sense dictated...for no apparent reason.
- Abstain from eating ham or pepperoni or bacon. Consider abstaining from fresh fruit juices, too, since they are supposed to be risky, but then decide that life without fresh fruit juice would be too sad.
- Only do 'pregnancy-safe' exercise videos from Youtube, just to be on the safe side. Bonus: They're really easy.
- Pray daily for your baby to have a "healthy body, a sound mind, and a heart that seeks wholly after the Lord."
- Daydream about the kind of announcement photo you want to take.
- Actually. Visit. Doctors. (dark scary music with thunder crash)
(Postscript written now)
So, yeah, basically, this is just an announcement that wishing for a baby and not getting one apparently has a side-effect of making me a wee bit crazy. It's ridiculous the number of ways I've tried to mentally control a process that can't be controlled. Also, I still believe Murphy's Law could work, even if it doesn't work every time. Don't worry about me. I'm in the process of actively convincing myself to be less crazy because devoting this much thought and energy to the normal, timeless objective of having kids is not sustainable. I want to feel normal again, to be me again, to just relax and live the life I have.
(or is this all yet another multi-layered scheme...? (more thunder))