28 January 2019

How to Be as Normal as Possible

This list is mostly useful if you are a spy and/or an alien trying to blend in with the general population. Also applicable to androids and transmogrified flora and fauna:

1. Drink coffee. 2-3 cups a day.

2. Run slightly late for most appointments. Not egregiously late. 2-4 minutes. Alternately, be on time, but rush like crazy to make it.

3. Monday is your least-preferred day of the week.

4. Believe that small animals are extremely cute and that large animals are also quite adorable.

5. Say "Good morning" or "Hi" or at least nod your head at strangers if you pass by them in close proximity but do not, under any circumstances, greet strangers if you see them but they are not very close to you. That would be precisely the opposite of normal.

6. Be a staunch fan of several famous people that you have never met in real life, but, to balance things out, also be a staunch antagonist of several famous people that you have also never met in real life.

7. Occasionally take social media breaks, and always apologize for your "absence" afterwards.

8. Definitely be wearing your most-comfortable and least-attractive clothing whenever the mailman delivers a package to your front door.

9. Use the snooze feature on your alarm on a regular basis. (This will help with accomplishing #2)

10. If you experience bad traffic or parking situations, be sure to tell others that you encounter.

11. Respond to text messages, but not immediately, even if you saw them immediately. Make sure to close the messaging app and wait anywhere from a few minutes to a few days before actually responding.

12. Periodically resolve to drink more water, cut carbs, and reduce sugar intake.

13. Agree with others around you that studying Shakespeare in high school was really quite pointless, and that you never understood anything he was saying, anyways. (Unless you are in the company of experts in English literature, in which case, pretending to be normal is not going to be helpful to you).

14. Complain about stores setting out holiday merchandise WAY TOO FAR in advance of said holiday.

15. Have seen Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and The Office, and do not be surprised by incessant and seemingly random references to the above works of fiction.

Additional advice from readers:

From @verytrulyana : "Talk intermittently about your planner" and "Announce publicly that you are an introvert"


What could you add to this list? If you have a brilliant suggestion, I will add it into the post and credit you. Aliens need all the help they can get, these days, as acting like a normal human is not quite as obvious as it once seemed.
Suzanne said...

Well going by this I am very abnormal it seems. I always wondered if I was part alien.

We reference Seinfeld all the time but I have a feeling that is because we are older than you.

I'd replace #13 with studying algebra. I've referenced Shakespeare in my life but never calculated the amount of time it would take for a train travelling at 20 km/hr to meet with a biker travelling at 50 km/hr while stopping at every other bathroom along the way for a pee break. Not once.


Michelle said...

Well this is hilarious and I wish I had thought of this myself. I definitely announce my introvertedness and reference The Office frequently. I'd like to think I don't do the others, but I'm sure I've been guilty at times. #14 is my favorite.

If you're a mom, make sure to constantly ask if it's wine o'clock yet, aka bedtime. Also frequently make trips to Target in the name of self-care. Make sure to complain every time it's hot in the summer or cold in the winter, because it's a shock when it happens every year, you know?

I do have a confession. I have a degree in literature but despise Shakespeare. I understand his wit and talent, but I cannot read it without being very confused and/or wanting to fall asleep. My brain does not think in Shakespeare. I almost failed my college Shakespeare class, and I worked so hard. I do blame a terrible professor for that one, though.

Amanda said...

Announce publicly that you are an introvert. LOL. That's too funny! I find it amusing that you put Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings in the same list as The Office. I think Star Wars and LOTR are beloved by an entirely different fan group than HP or The Office, and probably to be normal you won't have seen Star Wars at all (though I personally love it!).

Jenny Evans said...

Oh dear, #1 and I failed already. I will try harder to follow the rest of your list so I can attempt to blend in better in the future.

AnneMarie said...

Haha! This is amazing. I think another thing you can do to be "as normal as possible" is wear jeans regularly while complaining about how uncomfortable jeans are and how you hate shopping for jeans.

Also, on #5, I am really curious-what is the climate like in Malaysia with greeting random strangers? is it like in America, where people in line at the grocery store randomly strike up conversations and get to know each other, or are people a lot more reserved around complete strangers?